Last night, I wrote a post and didn't post it. I was tempted to post it, but I knew that all of you would worry about me... you would all send me such sweet and encouraging messages... you would all pray for me. It isn't that I didn't want to hear from you and to know that you all were thinking about me. I guess I just felt like it would be very selfish for me to post this and have you all worried.
I'm glad I didn't post it. But I feel guilty for not posting it.
It wasn't a super-depressed post. It was actually pretty positive. But, it showed a very vulnerable me... a part of me that I don't really like. I know we all have our vulnerabilities, but I don't like them. I like feeling positive, secure, strong, and happy. I don't like being negative. I don't like feeling like anyone would have pity on me. I'm filled with pride... sinful pride. :)
I feel like I cheated on my blog readers by not being my real, vulnerable self. Because truly, this blog is supposed to be about life... real life. Not only the good parts of life. :) All of it.
Fortunately, I found out good news today. Or so, I guess... I found out that I have to have surgery. Good news? Well, everything just depends on perspective, right? The gallbladder must come out. I had to have extra blood work done to check my liver, which makes me a little nervous still, but for the most part, it looks like my gallbladder is the problem. If my liver is having problems too, well, I'll just cross that bridge then. It will be a week before we have those results.
Since I am happy with the outcome, at this point anyway, or at least content that there is some resolution here, I figured I'd share with you an apology for not being my real self. In a nutshell, this is what I thought and how it all transpired. This is not the post I wrote, but it describes how I felt pretty much in a shorter version.
My best friend's mantra to life - Everything happens for a reason. That's what I had to repeat to myself. I read the mail that Bailey brought in yesterday morning (Sunday). It had sat in the mailbox all night. I read my blood work report. It said my bilirubin levels were high and my white blood cell count was low.
Google, please. Bad idea.
Liver cancer. Wilson's Disease. Hepatitis. An onslaught of problems with the liver. So many that I could have read all day in fear.
To church, we went. Brad yelled at me and threatened to take away my computer. I pouted.
I cried at church. Not openly, but privately. I bargained with God. And then I realized that the post Cilla had written could have been written for me instead of her. That truly... God had sent me a message instead of sending it to her. I needed to know that God's will was more important than mine. I gave in. I forfeited to God. I decided that I might be unhappy with my path, if I had a liver disease, surgery, a short life, whatever. But that God had a plan and I had to fulfill it. All I needed to pray for was strength, courage, and patience.
Last night, I wrote a post about giving up... but not to give up hope... to surrender my worries to God. Yes, if I were you and I read it, I would worry about my state of mind. Not because it was crazy... but because I'm not the type that gives up easily. :) So, I would worry that Andrea had truly come to the last straw or something. :) That's why it won't be posted.
No worries, everyone. I'm in a great place. In a great state of mind and sadly, I'm content to get an organ removed. Is that seriously possible for Andrea Ooten? lol...
Yes. It. Is. :)