Second Guessing.. .

We have it made when it comes to technology. It's not like it's really inconvenient to get online and access everything, especially when you have a laptop and wireless internet. However, I catch myself wishing that I could just blog my thoughts without typing. What is wrong with this world?! When I have become that lazy or that busy, there is something just wrong with the world.

I've written a half dozen blogs in my mind recently, but one that keeps resurfacing in my mind is one that I wanted to write a couple of weeks ago. Parenting isn't easy. Duh... no one said it was, right? I expected it to be tough... to be constantly feeling like I'm overwhelmed or to be staying up at midnight to finish up some housework or some work for work, or even to just have a few minutes to myself. I think I expected almost all of the tough things about parenting, even most of the tough decisions. I knew there would come days that I wouldn't know what exactly to do, but I felt like I could figure it out and I'd know if I was right or wrong. I've always been very comfortable with the decisions I make. It might take me a while to make a decision, but I once I make that decision, I can stick with it and justify it without concern (special thanks to Cilla for always helping me to justify it ALL).

Well... that's the part of parenting that I think I did not expect. The doubt. The lingering concern in the back of my mind that says, "Am I screwing this up?" Bailey and Jake are happy and healthy. They can be rambunctious and mean sometimes, like most kids, but they are sweet and loveable. They know right from wrong, even if they don't always adhere to it, and they really don't have problems at day care or with any of our friends and family. We feel good about how we can take them everywhere and know that MOST of the time, we can trust them to behave. But, there are those moments that make you wonder if you should be doing something differently. I think what started this whole thought process was two-fold - Bailey playing t-ball and Jake talking more, but not as much as we would like.

As I've blogged (most briefly), Bailey is growing to enjoy t-ball more and more. She's still not sold on it when we first get to the field and I still have to convince her to go onto the field to practice. I'll correct that... I have to bribe her and threaten her to get her out on the field. Brad has convinced her that she'll get ice cream after every game and practice that she stays on the field for the entire time. When that doesn't work, I threaten to take away the dollhouse. One or the other typically works. But, I feel like crap when I'm doing this. The entire time, I'm wondering if I'm forcing her to do something she cares nothing about. Then, she gets on the field, has a blast, and I think that I'm doing the right thing. It blows my mind how I can go from thinking that I shouldn't bring her back to thinking that she's having so much fun and improving with each practice all in less than an hour. I know that she needs a little push to do more. I was her 24 years ago... not wanting to take gymnastics because I was intimidated by the other kids or the teachers or because I was just as content hanging out with my mom. Thank God that mom made me do things or I would have NEVER had ANY fun. I still missed out on a lot all the way through life because I wouldn't push myself to go and have fun. Heck, I still do it! I want to push her because I don't want her to miss anything. It goes by so fast. BUT... I also hate pushing her. ARGH!!

I hate the second-guessing... and it's already starting with Jake! He's two and he talks some. Not much, but some. He's been talking more and more in the past couple of weeks, but I wonder if I've focused too much attention on work or on making him happy by giving him everything without making him talk or if I've just ignored it because he's my baby. He's not a big reader, so we don't force it on him. Maybe I need to. Or do I need to talk about possibly doing speech therapy like some people suggest? The doctor says he's fine, that we can talk to a speech therapist if we want, but that she thinks he's fine (and is used to Bailey talking too much for him to get a word in). She suggested getting his hearing checked since I worry that he doesn't enunciate. So, I guess we'll try that. It can all just be so worrysome. Instincts tell me that he's fine... slightly stubborn, a little lazy, and very much enjoying being the baby. BUT... do I go on instincts and risk screwing up?! ARGH.

Again, the second-guessing. It's SO frustrating. But, it most certainly is part of parenting. I'm glad I'm not alone (yes, misery loves company!). I know every parent has gone through this... and most of my friends have been saying the same things. So... I guess we'll just be dealing with this for a few more years (or the rest of our lives). :)